If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

No good deed goes unpunished.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.