Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.