A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.