I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.