Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.