All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

No good deed goes unpunished.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.