Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.