One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?