If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.