All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!