[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.