I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Men are as faithful as their options.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.