An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.