[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.