I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.