My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.