The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.