Sex is an emotion in motion.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps