This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down