I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.