Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.