If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.