Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Sex is an emotion in motion.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?