The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.