In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Women are made to be loved not understood.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.