Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Sex is an emotion in motion.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?