A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?