I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.