I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I drink to make other people more interesting.