All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

No good deed goes unpunished.