I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.