What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…