If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.