I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?