If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.