When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.