Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.