Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.