There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.