My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.