I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.