I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.