I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.