The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…