I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.