Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.