You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.