If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'