You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.