Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.