It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money