Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.