It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.