As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.