A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.