Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?