When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.