When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.