Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I'm single because I was born that way.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.