This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.