What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.