If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
I'm single because I was born that way.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.