Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.