Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.