Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.