When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I'm single because I was born that way.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.