Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Men are as faithful as their options.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.