There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.