Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.