Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.