Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.