Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
Men are as faithful as their options.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?