If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'