Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.