Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.