Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.