My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.