Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.