Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.