Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.