Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.