I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.