Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.