I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.