There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.