Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member