There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I'm single because I was born that way.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.