If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.