A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.