The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.