I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.