My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.