A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?