Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?