I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.