I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.