I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.