Men are as faithful as their options.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.