Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.