Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.