You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.