If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.