A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

No good deed goes unpunished.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Women are made to be loved not understood.