Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion