If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I'm single because I was born that way.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.