The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.