I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Men are as faithful as their options.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.