And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.