He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.