I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.