Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.