By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.