Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.