A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.