I drink to make other people more interesting.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.