My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.