I drink to make other people more interesting.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.