Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.