The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.