I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.