Sex is an emotion in motion.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.