God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.