Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.