Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
No good deed goes unpunished.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.