If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.