A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.