I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?