A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

No good deed goes unpunished.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.