I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.