A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I'm single because I was born that way.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?