If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.