There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps