If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?