There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.