I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Women are made to be loved not understood.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?