My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I'm single because I was born that way.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?