A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?