There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.