He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.