Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.