I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.