I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.