Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Women are made to be loved not understood.