If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.