What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.