Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'