It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.