If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.