I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.