Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.