In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Men are as faithful as their options.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.