The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.