He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.