Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!