Women are made to be loved not understood.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.