Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity