The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.