Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.