I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.