I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.