That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
I'm single because I was born that way.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.