Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.