You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
I'm single because I was born that way.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
