Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money