Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.