When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I'm single because I was born that way.