If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.