Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.