My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.