Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.