If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.