He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Men are as faithful as their options.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.