We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!