If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.