In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.