I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.