The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.