I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Men are as faithful as their options.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.