I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.