My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.