What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.