Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Men are as faithful as their options.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.