I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.