I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.