No good deed goes unpunished.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.