Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Sex is an emotion in motion.