You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.