Women are made to be loved not understood.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.