Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.