War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.