Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.