When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.