We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.