I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.