Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.