Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.