[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

No good deed goes unpunished.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.