Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments