Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?