My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?