You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.