Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.