And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.