Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.