You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.