Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.