You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments