I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.