The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.