What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps