When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.