Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.