Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.