I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.