When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.