A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.