Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I drink to make other people more interesting.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.