The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.