Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.