If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.