It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.