I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.