A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
