Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.