I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.