A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.