I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.