When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I'm single because I was born that way.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.