It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.