Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.