No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.