If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.