That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.