Sex is an emotion in motion.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.