You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.