Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.