I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.