All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I'm single because I was born that way.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.