Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.