My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.