That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.