I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Men are as faithful as their options.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.