My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.