I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
I'm single because I was born that way.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.