Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
I drink to make other people more interesting.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.