If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.