I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Men are as faithful as their options.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.