Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.