Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Men are as faithful as their options.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.