If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I'm single because I was born that way.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.