If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Men are as faithful as their options.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?