A day without laughter is a day wasted.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
No good deed goes unpunished.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.