When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.