The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.