One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!