Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
I drink to make other people more interesting.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.