I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.