We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?