Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.