It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.