In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.