If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.