You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.