The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.