Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.