The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.