I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.