This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.