Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.