I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.