My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.