Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.