If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I'm single because I was born that way.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.