I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.