If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.