The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.