Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Men are as faithful as their options.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.