I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?