I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.