Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.