You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

No good deed goes unpunished.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.