I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.