Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.