I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.