Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.