I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.