I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.