When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down