I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.