Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?