There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.