Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.