Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.