I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Sex is an emotion in motion.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.