If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down