No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.