Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.