It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.