I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

No good deed goes unpunished.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.