An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.