Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.