I drink to make other people more interesting.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.