That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.