Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I'm single because I was born that way.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.