I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.