Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.