You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.