Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.