He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I'm single because I was born that way.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.