I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.