I drink to make other people more interesting.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.