Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.