Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.