Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.