I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.