I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.