If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Men are as faithful as their options.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.