That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.