If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.