We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.