I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

No good deed goes unpunished.